I remember attending a communication training years ago where a participant (Person A) shared an interesting situation. Someone else (Person B) had gossiped to them about a coworker (Person C). Person A admitted they got "sucked in" and found themselves siding with the gossiping colleague (Person B).
Person A noticed that, for a while, they no longer liked the "offending peer" (Person C) — not because Person C had actually done something to them, but because Person A was offended on behalf of the gossiping coworker (Person B).
This phenomenon is called "Borrowing Offenses."
It’s when YOU are not the impacted party, yet you take sides. The offense isn’t yours or even about you, but you decide to pick it up and carry it, holding a grudge on someone else’s behalf.
The Trap of Borrowing Offenses
"Borrowing Offenses" is easy to do because we care about our coworkers and don’t want to see them hurting. However, when we engage in this behavior, we end up polluting the water. Unfortunately, instead of being helpful, we often pour more negativity into the pool. We frame our friend as the "poor victim" and cast the other person as the "villain."
This mindset can cause us to lose perspective and, sometimes, even the willingness to seek resolution. Instead, we get sucked into a vortex of toxicity.
And let’s be honest: this kind of dynamic is poison in work environments.
Staying Off the Emotional Rollercoaster
A colleague once shared a great metaphor about emotional rollercoasters. When someone is caught up in the highs and lows of their emotions, you have two choices:
Get ON the rollercoaster with them — ride the waves, immerse yourself in the drama, and ultimately, make the situation worse for everyone (including them).
Stay OFF the rollercoaster — remain grounded and provide a supportive space where they can reflect, share, and process their experience. This approach helps them gain clarity and take constructive action.
Strategies for Self-Aware Leaders
As a Self-Aware Leader, when you feel tempted to "Borrow an Offense," consider these strategies:
Validate your coworker’s feelings. Use your version of, “This seems really hurtful for you.” Acknowledging their emotions helps them feel seen and heard.
Pause. This is crucial. Give yourself a moment to reflect before reacting. The pause allows you to maintain neutrality.
Ask how you can be supportive. Find out what they need in the moment. Do they need to vent? Do they want help with problem-solving? Are they seeking advice on how to address the situation? Tailor your response to their needs.
Hold the space. Remember, your role is to provide a safe environment for them to process their experience. Resist the urge to take sides or make the situation about you.
Stay Switzerland (Neutral). Remaining neutral allows you to be a steady presence and a constructive influence. Don’t get drawn into the narrative or the emotional rollercoaster.
A Better Way Forward
As a Self-Aware Leader, the next time someone comes to you with a gripe about someone else, take a moment to reflect. Consider how you can be genuinely helpful, empowering, and supportive — not just to the person sharing their frustrations, but to the overall situation.
Instead of "borrowing offenses," focus on fostering clarity, compassion, and positive action. The ripple effect of your choice will help create a healthier, more self-aware workplace.
What other strategies do YOU use to resist the temptation to borrow offenses?
YOU MATTER!