Look at My Face

Not long ago, my little one made a mistake. Nothing catastrophic, just one of those little messes that feel much bigger in a child’s world. I could see her whole body tense. Her eyes darted to mine, bracing for disappointment.  She started to unravel. Her breathing got shallow. Her voice wobbled. She was preparing for the worst.

And instinctively, I knelt down and said, "Hey. Look at my face. We are okay."

That moment stopped the spin. Her shoulders dropped. Her breath slowed. Her whole system settled.  All because of a few calm words and the expression I was wearing when I said them.

What I learned in that moment applies to leadership, too.

In moments of stress, uncertainty, or conflict, people are scanning us, literally and emotionally. They look to our faces for:

· Safety cues

· Reassurance

· Regulation

· Confirmation of identity and belonging

They are asking silently: Am I in trouble? How bad is this?  Are we okay? Do I still belong here?  How much do I need to protect myself?

Our face often answers before our words do.  As a self-aware leader, your face sets the emotional temperature of the room.

And here’s what research shows: when people are already stressed or anxious, they tend to misread neutral or distracted facial expressions as negative, even as anger.

· A furrowed brow from concentration: can download as frustration

· A tight jaw from fatigue: can be perceived as disappointment

· A blank or distant stare from internal processing: is often received as disapproval or disconnection

In short: your team may interpret your "stress face" as a "mad face", even if that’s not your intent.

This matters. 

Because in moments of uncertainty or conflict, your face might be saying more than your words ever could. And when someone on your team makes a mistake, brings forward a hard truth, or stumbles under pressure, your facial expression can either:

· Intensify their shame and instigate defensive mode

· Or signal safety, stability, and support, keep their brain calm, and promote logical problem solving and dialogue

It does NOT mean you avoid accountability. It means you deliver it from a regulated state that says: "Even if there is something to address, we are okay, you are still valued, AND we can have an important conversation to figure this out."

That kind of presence builds trust that lasts.

What to Practice In Tough Moments: 

· Breathe before you speak

· Soften your face without minimizing the moment

· Let your expression reflect stability, not reactivity

* Model the calm, thoughtfulness, and regulation you want mirrored back

Because sometimes your presence IS the message, and it impacts everything that comes next.

Reflection Questions

· What does my face communicate under pressure?

· How often do I pause to check my expression before responding?

· Who on my team might be scanning me for reassurance right now?

· When was the last time I led with calm instead of correction?

Let’s Stay Connected

Leadership isn’t just about the words we say. It’s the presence we carry, especially on our face.

If you’re committed to leading with emotional clarity, presence, and relational safety, visit tessabrock.com for more stories and tools to support your journey.

You matter. Especially when someone else is reading your face.