Running late for a meeting one day, I rushed into the office, my mind already on the day’s packed schedule. As I walked in, an employee caught my attention.
“Hey, do you have a second?” they asked, looking hesitant but determined.
I did not. Not really. But I paused, giving them my quick attention.
“I know we talked about this before but I wanted to ask about a raise,” they said. “I’ve been putting in a lot of effort, and I think I’ve earned it.”
I immediately felt something shift inside me. Frustration... Irritation... Offense....
I thought to myself, "A raise? Now? My mind immediately went to all the reasons why this wasn’t the right time—budgets, unpredictable economy, available funds, etc. And the timing... to ask for a raise - AGAIN, in passing - and when I'm rushing.
I took a breath and responded. “I sincerely appreciate you and your work. I'm sorry, but right now we aren’t able to make any salary adjustments.” I noticed my voice was more tense and forced than I wished it had been.
They responded, "Could we talk more about it?" There was something in their eyes—vulnerability, hope, maybe even fear of having asked in the first place.
Rushed and frustrated, I agreed and we scheduled a time to meet to discuss their request further.
We went our separate ways but something gnawed at me. Why had I felt offended that they were advocating for themselves?
I sat with that discomfort. And then, it hit me… Unfortunately, I felt bothered by their "boldness" and their "asking for more". I reflected on the fact that I'm someone who has learned the importance of asking for help because I spent much of my life not asking for anything from anyone - and have worked hard to find the confidence to speak my truth more boldly because I feared coming across as ungrateful . I was taught to be satisfied with what I've been given and to not ask for "too much". As a consequence, their request had caught me off guard and I unconsciously felt they were "wanting more" and should "just be more grateful, satisfied, and appreciative" Their asking for "more" was unconsciously being interpreted by me as Greedy. Unappreciative. Too much.
But as I sat with it longer, I had another realization:
Maybe this employee had been waiting for the right moment to advocate for themselves.
Maybe they had been feeling unseen or undervalued for some time.
Maybe they saw one small opening to ask for what they needed—because I was a person who made them feel safe enough to take that risk. And, truth be told, I deeply value empowerment and taking risks to speak up.
What's even more intriguing is I deeply value empowerment and taking risks to speak up. So, despite these characteristics being values I hold, I was still activated by them showing up in someone else at that moment.
The reality is we all have conditioning from our past experiences. Our conditioning creates automatic responses that are sometimes out of alignment with who and how we want and expect ourselves to be. When we allow ourselves to notice this incongruence, it allows us to pause, reflect, and adjust.
This type of moment is the work of Self-Aware Leadership:
✅ Reflection: Noticing when we show up in ways that don’t align with who we want to be.
✅ Recognizing: Understanding what activates us and taking the time to unpack what’s underneath.
✅ Ownership: Accepting responsibility for our response and striving to do better next time.
I'll be honest, when I reflect on that moment, I feel sad and disappointed in myself.
I wish I had met their request with more empathy.I wish I had noticed my reaction in real time with more softness and compassion.I wish I had responded with curiosity instead of irritation.
And yet, I remind myself: This human journey is complex.
The more we practice noticing, exploring, understanding, and extending empathy to ourselves, the easier it becomes to show up that way for others.
The next time you feel offended, irritated, or defensive when someone asks for more, take a pause. Ask yourself:
➡️ Why is this activating me?
➡️ Am I expecting a certain response in return for my kindness?
➡️ What does this reaction reveal about me, and how can I grow from it?
May we all become more aware of the hidden expectations we place on others. May we have the courage to sit with our discomfort and learn from it. And may we continue to stretch toward a more present, empathetic version of ourselves.
Let’s start a conversation: When was the last time you were challenged to shift your perspective in a leadership moment? Let me know!
YOU MATTER!