I Think I Feel Gaslit

A leader came to me recently, and the word they used to describe how they were feeling was confused.

But as they kept talking, a clearer picture emerged.

They had been working to hold a team member accountable, having direct conversations, naming specific concerns, making clear agreements. The kinds of conversations good leaders are supposed to have.

And then something unsettling started happening.

Every time the leader referenced a previous conversation, the team member's response was some version of:

"I never said that."

"That's not what happened."

"You misunderstood me."

The leader had handwritten notes from those meetings. Dates, details, direct quotes. And yet, after enough rounds of being told their memory was wrong, their understanding was off, their account of events was inaccurate, they started to feel unsteady. Upside down. Uncertain of their own recollection.

That's when I gently offered a word for what they might be experiencing.

Gaslighting.

What Gaslighting Actually Is

The term gets used broadly these days, so it's worth being precise.

Gaslighting is a pattern of behavior in which one person causes another to question their own memory, perception, or reality. It can be intentional or unintentional, but the impact is the same either way. The person on the receiving end begins to doubt themselves, second-guess their judgment, and feel increasingly confused about what is actually true.

In a leadership context, it can show up as:

• Denying that a conversation or agreement ever happened

• Consistently reframing what was said to shift responsibility

• Suggesting the leader is too sensitive, too strict, or simply wrong, repeatedly

• Creating just enough doubt that the leader backs down from accountability

  
  

It is disorienting by nature. And it is particularly effective when nothing is written down.

What To Do About It

The most powerful antidote to gaslighting in a professional setting is also the simplest:

Document everything. And create a shared paper trail in real time.

Here's the practice that changes everything:

After every significant conversation, send a follow-up email.

Not a formal document. Not a lengthy summary. Just a brief, professional recap of what was discussed, and an invitation for the team member to confirm or clarify.

It might look something like this:

"Hi [Name], I wanted to follow up on our conversation today to make sure we're aligned. We discussed [specific concern]. We agreed that [specific expectation or next step]. Please let me know if I've missed anything or if you understood something differently."

That's it.

This one habit does several important things at once.

It creates a real-time record. No longer is it one person's word against another's. There is now a timestamped email, sent immediately after the conversation, that reflects what was discussed and agreed upon.

It gives the team member a fair opportunity to clarify. If there was a genuine misunderstanding, this is the moment to surface it, professionally and promptly. That's good for everyone.

It makes denial much harder to sustain. When a team member has already received an email summary and did not dispute it at the time, claiming later that "that's not what happened" becomes significantly more difficult to maintain.

It protects the leader's credibility. When documentation is consistent and contemporaneous — meaning created at the time, not reconstructed later — it holds weight. It reflects the account of a leader who is thorough, fair, and paying attention.

A Note on Intent

Not every employee who says "that's not what I said" is intentionally manipulating their leader. Some people genuinely hear things differently. Some are defensive when they feel cornered. Some have their own version of events that they believe completely.

The follow-up email works in all of these scenarios. If the misunderstanding is genuine, it gets corrected early. If the pattern is intentional, it gets interrupted with evidence.

Either way, the leader stops feeling upside down, because the record speaks for itself.

Reflection Questions

• Have I ever left a difficult conversation feeling uncertain about what was actually said or agreed upon?

• How consistently am I documenting accountability conversations, not just in my own notes, but in a format that is shared?

• If a team member disputed a conversation tomorrow, would I have a clear, timestamped record to reference?

• Am I creating opportunities for mutual confirmation after hard conversations, or assuming we're aligned until proven otherwise?

  
  

You are allowed to trust your own notes. You are allowed to trust your own memory.

And you are also allowed to build a system that means you never have to rely on memory alone.

The goal isn't to build a case against someone. It's to create enough shared clarity that confusion, intentional or not, has nowhere to take root.

You matter. Especially when you protect your credibility and your team's with the simple, consistent discipline of writing it down.

If you're navigating difficult team dynamics, accountability challenges, or leadership situations that leave you feeling uncertain, coaching, workshops, and keynotes are all ways we support leaders through exactly this kind of work. We'd love to connect.