I'm Disappointed in Your Leadership

I remember a time I heard the words, “I’m disappointed in your leadership” from someone on my team. I felt them land in my chest like a punch.  They came from someone I respected deeply, which made them cut even deeper.  As someone who strives to be an intentional leader, I knew, in that moment, I had two choices: defend myself… or lead myself.  I took a breath and said, "Would you be willing to share more?"

And then I listened.

I heard about the moments they had hoped for more from me, how my actions, or inaction, had fallen short of their expectations. I apologized for the tangible things I wished I had done differently. I thanked them for their courage and honesty, for holding up a mirror to my leadership.

I could have explained every decision, adding context that might have changed their perspective. But, luckily, I realized this moment wasn’t about me, it was about them. Their experience. Their truth.

Later, I reflected. Some of the feedback fit, those were areas I genuinely wanted to strengthen.  This revealed my own blind spots.  I took note and created a plan for myself to be more mindful and intentional moving forward.  I was grateful for the mirror so I could continue to strive to be the leader I want to be. 

Some feedback didn’t fit, it wasn’t fully informed or grounded in the bigger picture.  It didn't understand the depth and complicated role I played and the balance of the leadership expectations I was juggling.  It lacked grace and compassion and spoke more about the other person than it did of my actual leadership.  And that’s okay. 

Because all feedback is just information - about both ourselves and the other person.  

The Feedback Filter™: From Reflection to Action

This experience helped me identify my 4-step process for handling tough feedback as a self-aware leader. Each step moves you from an emotional reaction to purposeful action:

1. Pause Before You Protect

Resist the instinct to defend. Breathe. Count to five. Ask yourself, “What do they need from me right now, to be heard, or to be educated?” When you pause, you reclaim control over your presence.

2. Invite the Whole Story

“Would you be willing to share more?”  Create a safe space for honesty. Let them finish without interruption. Use clarifying questions like, “Can you give me an example?” or “When did you notice this most?” This moves the conversation from vague feelings to specific, actionable detail.

3. Sort the Feedback

Use two buckets:

• Fits → Feedback that aligns with patterns you’ve noticed or values you hold. This is worth acting on.

• Doesn’t Fit → Feedback that stems from incomplete context, personal bias, or misunderstanding. This can still be acknowledged and appreciated without adopting as truth.

  
  

4. Act on What Fits

Pick one concrete action you will take immediately. Communicate it back:

“Here’s what I’ll be doing differently moving forward.”Then identify the specific actions or adjustments you will be embracing to demonstrate you are willing to put your words into action. 

Recognition Rituals

End the conversation with specific gratitude: “I value your courage in telling me this, I want you to know it makes a difference.” Recognition like this reinforces trust and invites continued openness.

Feedback impacts more than performance, it influences energy, confidence, and relationships. Give yourself time and space to process. Debrief with a mentor, coach, or trusted peer to sort emotions from facts and turn lessons into sustainable leadership growth.

Feedback isn’t the enemy of leadership, complacency is.  The only way to grow is to keep the mirror close, even when the reflection makes you flinch. Every piece of feedback is a chance to refine the leader you’re becoming.

Reflection Questions

• When was the last time I received feedback that stung?

• Did I listen fully before explaining myself?

• How do I sort feedback into what fits and what doesn’t?

• What’s one change I can commit to from recent feedback?

• Who can help me see what I might be missing?

  
  

You matter. Especially when you hold the mirror still long enough to really see yourself. 💛

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